Healing the Healer
by tyrna
Summary: What do you do when the healer needs help? Alana Hawke is going to find out as she helps Anders recover after he gets sick. And then after the events of Act 3, will it take a miracle to help him again? Fem!Mage!Hawke/Anders
1. Body

Healing the Healer

Chapter 1: Body

Alana Hawke stared at the scene around her, scarcely able to understand. The Templars were all dead, including the hated Ser Alrik; but the mage girl they'd saved from him was now running for Darktown, scared out of her mind. And somewhere else in the tunnels was a very shocked and confused Anders. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see Aveline. The Guard Captain looked very angry, and Alana knew why. "You still want to defend him, Hawke?" she asked coldly. "He's a monster."

"It was Justice, not Anders. He was able to stop," she argued softly. Though she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Aveline, or herself.

"Only because of you," Varric countered, shaking his head. "Look, I know Blondie means well, Hawke, but this…" He looked around, petting Bianca. "This is pure madness. Is this why mages are feared?"

"Partially," she said with a sigh. "It's why Templars are so obsessed with finding blood mages. A spirit bound into a living body is a powerful force, and none of us are completely immune."

"Somehow, I doubt you'd ever make a deal with a spirit, demon or not," Aveline argued. "But Anders-"

"Stop, please," she begged, shaking her head. "I was here, I saw what happened. I don't like it any more than you do."

"But I'm not the one who loves that idiot." Alana suddenly regretted telling the redhead that little bit of information.

"No, you aren't. I'll talk to him, Aveline. I need to find out what happened. Why he lost control like that. Even when we met his friend Karl, there wasn't so much… Blind hatred in him."

"We'd best get back, then," Varric told them, starting to walk away. "Before Blondie does anything else he might regret." The two women nodded and followed the dwarf, Alana clutching her staff tightly and wondering how she could fix this.

* * *

><p>There had been no sign of Anders, either at the clinic, or around the group's usual haunts. Alana was heading back home, worried beyond belief about the man she loved. A chill wind swept down the empty streets, and she pulled her cloak closed around her. Dark clouds were gathering in the sky, and she knew it was going to rain soon. She hated rain, as it was cold, wet, and messed with her fire magick. Reaching the front door of the estate, she heard the first drops start to fall on the rooftops, and breathed a sigh of relief that she had made it back in time. Inside, her mother was sitting in a chair by the fire, and she walked over as her daughter came in. "Are you all right, sweetheart?" Leandra asked. "You look worried."<p>

"There was a bit of trouble in Darktown tonight, Mother. Nothing you need to concern yourself over."

"Darktown? Are you visiting that mage boy again?"

"Yes Mother, it's no secret that we're friends." She hadn't yet told her mother that she wanted it to go beyond that stage, but some things needed to remain private.

"But sweetie, he's an apostate-"

"So am I," Alana reminded the older woman. "So were Bethany and Father. I choose to help him in what he does, Mother. I worry about him."

"But you're nobility now," Leandra argued gently. "You have something to protect you from the Templars."

"Nothing could protect me if the Knight Commander broke down our door and ordered me put into the Circle," Alana shot back, eyes narrowing. "Mages have no rights, and being a noble doesn't matter. If you can do magick, you must be locked up."

"I didn't mean-" She pulled her mother into a hug, silently berating herself for the outburst. Maybe Anders was having more of an effect on her than she thought.

"Mother, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to suggest that that's what you feel. You loved all of us, apostates or not."

"I just don't want to see you get hurt. Your father and I were lucky. Most apostates are eventually found and… Dealt it."

"I know the risks. Besides, I'm a big girl, Mother. I can look out for myself." Leandra smiled and kissed her daughter's forehead.

"I know you can, but I still worry. It's my job as a mother, and you're the only one I can still do that for. But now that you're safe at home, I can sleep peacefully. Good night, dear." Alana watched her mother head upstairs, and then sat down in the chair by the fire. She watched the flames for a moment, grinning as she extended her arm and called a bit of them to her. A ball of flame collected on her hand, and she watched it flicker, transfixed by the glow and warmth it gave off. What seemed like a moment later, she opened her eyes to see that the fire was nearly dead, and it was very late at night. Rubbing her temples, she stood and stretched, rotating her head to get the kink out of her neck. If Anders had been there he would've just- She stopped herself from finishing the thought, looking at her hands again. Truth be told, she envied how easily healing magick came to him. Even Bethany had been better at it than her. Alana was usually the one blowing things up, or charring an enemy. Using her magick to do the opposite was difficult for her, and she'd grown out of practice because Anders had always been there.

"By the Void, this is ridiculous," she said to herself. "Here I am a grown mage, and mad at myself for not knowing every school of magick like the back of my hand. It's not like I'll ever really need to use it, either." Suddenly, she heard what sounded like a scrape on her door, and Niko, her Mabari, went over and started whining softly at it. "What's the matter, boy?" Alana grabbed her staff and eased towards the door, slowly unlocking it. She poked her head out, seeing the steady rainfall past the overhang. Another wind whipped by, chilling her to the bone for a moment. "There's nothing-" And then she looked to her right, eyes widening. There was someone slumped in the corner, and she saw the familiar robes even in the dim light from the house. "Anders!" She was next to him a moment later, shaking his shoulder. He was soaking wet, shivering, with his eyes squeezed shut. How long had he been out here? Niko came outside; licking the ex-Warden's face a few times until he groggily came to.

"H-Hawke?" he wheezed, staring up at her. At least he was aware enough to recognize who was standing over him.

"Can you stand?"

"Hm?" He sounded very confused, and fear coursed through her.

"You're outside, Anders. In the rain. Can you stand and walk into the house?"

"Maybe?" His voice was soft, raspy, and tired-sounding. Niko nudged him again, getting under him, and Alana allowed Anders' body to drape over the hound as he walked into the house. Getting up the stairs proved slightly difficult, but they eventually made it into a guest room, and Anders flopped to the floor.

"Anders, please get up. You need to lie down," Alana told him, tugging on his arm. He opened one eye and looked up at her.

"I am," he said, now sounding grumpy.

"You're on the floor. That can't be comfortable."

"Says you."

"This is ridiculous," she said, more to herself. Planting her feet, she gave as hard a pull as possible, and Niko pushed from the other side. They got Anders up, but Alana teetered under his weight, and the two of them fell onto the bed. "This is not exactly what I had in mind…" She wriggled out from under him, and finally succeeded in getting him into a comfortable position. Now all she had to do was get him out of the wet clothes. She felt her cheeks flush as she pulled his cloak and shirt off, exposing his chest. He shivered again, but didn't open his eyes. His boots and pants came next, and Alana mentally congratulated herself for not running from the room in sheer embarrassment. When he was safely tucked into bed, she watched him for a moment. He was asleep, but was still shaking slightly, eyes twitching beneath his lids. Alana pressed a hand to his forehead, feeling the heat from it even beneath the chill the rain had left. "Oh Anders… Where did you go after Justice left? Why didn't you let me know you were outside?" She stroked his hair, but he remained asleep. Alana turned to the fireplace and called up a small amount of magick, igniting the wood inside. With the flames crackling and giving more heat to the room, she pulled a chair up next to the bed and took his hand, wishing there was more she could do.

* * *

><p>Anders stirred slightly, wondering where he was. It was warm, so he wasn't in Darktown, and it was quiet, so the Hanged Man was also out. He opened his eyes, instantly regretting it as his vision swam and nausea poked at him. Curling on his side, he wrapped his arms around himself as shivers wracked his body. Maker, everything hurt, and he felt worse than he had since a Templar had "gotten rough" hauling him back to the Circle. A moment later though, he felt a warm hand on his forehead, and carefully opened one eye. Hawke was standing over him; worry bright in her eyes as she frowned. "Anders?"<p>

"Hm?" He didn't trust himself to talk yet, but when his vision remained in focus, he opened his other eye.

"Are you okay?" The former Warden blinked at her a few times, like he didn't understand the question.

_'She's worried about me? After what happened last night? She's not afraid or angry? Andraste's ashes, that might've been her I almost-'_ He stopped the thought there, shivering again, though this time in horror as the memories came back to him. All the control he'd fought so hard for, gone in an instant. And then he'd turned that same rage on an innocent girl… The very one he'd been trying to help.

"Anders," Hawke's voice snapped him back, and she rested a hand on his cheek. "Please answer me. I need to know what's wrong."

"What's wrong?" he asked, feeling like his throat was full of briars. "I nearly killed someone, and you need to ask me that?" He sat up before his mind could protest, but his body certainly knew that had been a bad idea. Once again his vision blurred into just blobs of color, and the nausea returned full force. He tried and failed to get out of the bed, and only succeeded in crashing to the floor, tangled up in the sheets. However, there was nothing left in his system to purge, and he lay there, chest heaving as his stomach finally calmed down. Arms were wrapped around him for a moment, and then he was lifted back into the bed, and a cool rag was placed over his forehead and eyes. That at least soothed some of the pain, to which he was grateful.

"You found him where?" There was a voice Anders didn't recognize right away. It was a woman, but not Aveline, and definitely not Merrill. Who could Hawke have let-

"He was outside, Mother, in the rain. I don't know how long he was out there, but when I found him he was soaked through. Niko and I barely managed to get him up here." Wonderful. Of all the people to see him in this state, the mother of the woman he had feelings for was here. And why shouldn't she have been? This was her house as well, and he hadn't exactly been quiet with that little show of stupidity. He groaned a bit, and then the rag was off his face, and he opened his eyes to stare at them. Hawke's mother looked equally as worried about him as his fellow apostate did, and all Anders wanted to do was find a rock in Darktown and crawl under it.

"Young man, do you know where you are?" Her voice was gentle, yet he knew she expected an answer, so he nodded. "Do you know how you got here?"

"I'd say I walked, but I don't remember," he answered honestly. Everything after the caverns had been a blur, and it wasn't because Justice had been in control, either. He'd allowed himself to get mentally turned around, and his body had probably just wandered Kirkwall until it got him to Hawke's doorstep.

"Why didn't you let me know you were there?" the young woman asked, a bit of hurt poking through her voice.

"Because I… I couldn't face you," he admitted, turning his head slightly so he wasn't looking at her. There was a heavy silence in the room for a few minutes.

"Mother, do you think you could-"

"I'll see about getting his clothes washed," Leandra said, picking up the still-sodden mess and walking out, closing the door behind her. She'd heard the warning tone in Alana's voice, which usually meant there was going to be an argument. When the two of them were alone in the room, Alana sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at Anders. He was silent, but she could see he was starting to blush a bit, and finally looked at her.

"What?" he wondered, seeing various emotions swirl through her silver eyes.

"You couldn't face me? Anders, of all the… Ridiculous things to say. What did you think I would do, hurt you?"

"No," he replied, hands curling into fists. "But I thought I might've hurt you. That if you hadn't stopped me, I could've killed everyone down there."

"You wouldn't have," she stated, eyes never leaving his.

"You don't know that!" She was in his face faster than he could register, anger flashing in the silver orbs.

"Yes, I do! The Anders I know would never do anything to hurt innocent people. It is the Justice part that hasn't quite learned that little trick." In his mind, Anders felt the remnants of the Spirit flare up at her accusation, but he was in no mood to lose control here, of all places. "The man I have known for three years is a kind, gentle, helpful soul. He would no more injure a bystander than he would harm a kitten. You're letting one incident cloud your view of yourself, Anders. I can't just sit back and let you do that."

"Why is that?" his voice came out softer than he wanted, and he swallowed painfully. Alana eased back, her eyes brimming with unshed tears.

"Because I care about you." Her voice cracked slightly, and his eyes widened. She backed off the bed, rubbing her sleeve across her face to dry her tears. "Now get some rest. If you're feeling up to it later, I'll bring you some food." He could only nod as she opened the door and disappeared out into the hall.

"Maker forgive me, Hawke. I warned you I'd hurt you." Outside, Alana was leaning against the wall, trying to calm her racing heart.

"Andraste's ashes, I am so stupid," she said softly. "Why can't I just tell him I want to be there for him? Why is it so hard to tell the one I love the truth? I wish Varric were here-" She stopped mid-thought, grimacing at how the Dwarven storyteller might indeed tell the other mage how Alana felt… In excruciating, if embellished, detail. "Maybe I'll just stick to my own words… If I can ever get them out." Sighing, she headed downstairs to help her mother.

* * *

><p>Later that day, Alana returned to the room, opening the door as quietly as she could. With the fire having gone out, it was dark, but still comfortably warm. She walked over to the bed, seeing the blankets in a mound, which wasn't moving. "Anders?" she called out softly. There was no response. She tugged gently on the covers, trying to figure out where he was. Finally spotting a bit of blonde hair, she pulled the blankets down until she saw his face. However, any sort of relief was washed away when she saw how pale he was. A thin sheen of sweat was on his forehead, and his eyes were once again tightly shut. He was curled up tightly, shivering uncontrollably. Alana paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. Reaching out a hand, she brushed it lightly over his face, feeling the fever on his skin like it was a layer of clothing. "Mother!" she called out, fear in her voice. Leandra was in the room in a matter of moments, seeing her daughter's panicked face.<p>

"What happened?" she asked, coming over to the bed and seeing their guest. "Oh Maker, he's very sick, sweetheart. We need some cool water, and ask Bodhain if he has any healing herbs." Nodding, the young mage fairly ran from the room, taking the stairs two at a time.

"Bodhain! Bodhain, I need your help!" she called out. He came running out of the study, Sandal and Niko following him.

"Serrah Hawke, what's wrong?"

"Do you have any healing herbs? Anders is sick."

"Oh my, that's not good. I'll see what I have, and if not, I'll run to the market. Is there anything else we might need?"

"I'm not sure. Anything you feel would be helpful," Alana said after a moment. "I need to get some water." She headed for the kitchen, drawing some water into a basin, and heading back upstairs. A quick side trip to the linen closet for some clean washcloths, and she was back in the room. Leandra had succeeded in unearthing Anders from his mound of blankets, and had gotten his pants and shirt back on him. He was still shaking, trying to curl up, but she wouldn't let him.

"Good, you're back. We need to cool him down." Alana set the basin on the nightstand and dipped a washcloth in, wringing it out before passing it to her mother. Leandra draped it over Anders' forehead, wiping off the sweat as best she could. "Another," she said, handing the now warm cloth back. They worked for almost a half-hour, cycling through the water until it too was rather warm. Leandra wiped a hand across her eyes, sighing heavily. "His fever is still there, but at least he's not shaking anymore. I'll see if Bodhain has what we need to help him further." She put an arm around her daughter's shoulders, hugging her for a moment. "He'll be all right, dear, I promise." Alana nodded, a lump in her throat.

"I wish I was a healer. I'd at least be able to do something."

"Just stay with him for now," Leandra advised. "I'm sure knowing that you're there will at least make him feel more at ease." With that, her mother left the room, and Alana once more sat on the edge of the bed. She reached out and tentatively brushed her fingers through Anders' hair. He shifted slightly, and she held her breath and stopped. When he stayed asleep, she continued, enjoying the feel of the strands between her fingers. Almost on instinct, her magick flowed to her hand, but it felt slightly different than her normal spells. It seemed cool, refreshing, and made her hair stand slightly on end. She barely recognized the type of magick she was channeling, until she saw Anders' eyes flutter open and focus on her.

"Hawke?" His voice was barely above a whisper, but it was music to her ears.

"Thank the Maker, you're awake."

"Am I… Still in your house?"

"Yes. I went to wake you earlier to eat, but you were unconscious and worse than when I first found you. You let yourself get sick." He fussed a little with the blankets, ducking down into them until all Alana could see where his eyes and the top of his head.

"Sorry," he mumbled. She stared at him for a moment before a giggle escaped her throat. He was adorable like that, and she wasn't sure if he'd done it on purpose or not.

"You still have a fever, but hopefully the worst is over. Are you hungry?" He shook his head, but a moment later, his stomach loudly reminded him that it had nothing in it, and hadn't for quite some time. "Right then. I'll be back." Darting out the door, Alana nearly bumped into her mother, who took the smile on her daughter's face as a good sign. Focusing her gaze on the bed once more, Leandra stared at the scene: A grown man, a mage, was huddled so far into the covers that he looked more like a frightened child. He was staring at her however, and slowly pulled the covers down until his whole face was again exposed.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion, madam," he told her.

"Intrusion? Young man, you are a friend of my daughter. One I know she cares about a great deal. If this is the worst thing I can expect from you, I shall breathe easier." Anders looked confused for a moment as her words registered, then smiled.

"You're not afraid I'll whisk her off somewhere for an apostate crusade?"

"Alana would never allow herself to be "whisked" anywhere she didn't want to be." When Leandra again saw the confusion, she sighed and crossed her arms. "That's right, I forget that most of you call her by her family name. To me, she is Alana, my eldest. If I started calling her Hawke, she'd think I had gone senile."

"It's a beautiful name. I'll be sure to remember it from now on." He smiled again, and it was a genuine, happy smile. Leandra put a hand on his forehead, clucking her tongue when she felt the heat radiating from him. He chuckled, but then stopped when she stared at him. "Sorry, just thinking that it's been a long time since I was the patient."

"It's nothing some rest and good food won't cure." Again, his stomach loudly protested the lack of food it was dealing with, and he blushed. "I'll just go help Alana fix you something. No getting out of that bed, you understand?" She shook a finger in his face to emphasize her point, and he just nodded. When he was alone in the room again, he started laughing, which quickly turned into a coughing fit. Getting his lungs to calm down was normally simple, but his magick was being difficult with him sick. Unless Hawke -Alana- could heal him, it was indeed going to be a little while before he was back on his feet. His eyelids felt heavy, and he shifted until he was staring at the fireplace. It had since burned out, but there was more wood stacked next to it. However, even if it had been ready to burn, he had no way of igniting the wood. Fire had always intrigued him, but he preferred ice magick and his healing abilities. He knew his fellow mage enjoyed the combat-potential of fire, and he'd seen her cast a lightning bolt every so often as well. They made a good team though, and he cherished any time he was able to spend with her. Hearing footsteps in the hall, his gaze shifted to the door, and to the young woman carrying in a tray of food. Just the smell made his mouth water, and Alana set it down on the nightstand next to the bed.

"Soup for now, and maybe later we'll try something solid."

"Thank you," he told her, his face getting hotter. He knew he was blushing a bit, but couldn't help it. "I just hope I won't be a burden to you." She helped him sit up, arranging the pillows at his back to help prop him up.

"You'd never be a burden," she promised him, setting the tray on his lap. As he ate, she watched him with a small smile. She hadn't noticed it at first, but his hair had completely come loose from the ponytail he normally had it in, and fell to the tops of his shoulders. Without even realizing what she was doing, Alana reached out and ran her fingers through it. When he froze, she pulled back, turning practically crimson. "Sorry," she mumbled, wringing her hands in the blankets. Setting the empty soup bowl down, Anders faced her, trying to decide what he would do. Finally, temptation won out, and his fingers brushed very lightly against her dark-brown locks. When she didn't pull back or gasp, his hand gently rested on her cheek.

"You've nothing to be sorry for," he told her. "Of all the people who've wanted to get their hands on me, none have been as beautiful as you." Alana's jaw almost hit the floor, and Anders sighed, frowned, and removed his hand. "Okay, that came out wrong."

"You meant it exactly how you said it," she shot back, quirking an eyebrow at him as she took the tray back. "But you should sleep now, Anders. I'll be back in a bit with dinner." He nodded, and she carried the tray out, closing the door behind her. Snuggling back under the covers, his hunger sated, Anders felt warm and safe for the first time in quite a while.

* * *

><p>"He's been here the whole time?" Varric asked as he sat on the main staircase, Bianca at his side. "Hawke, you sly-"<p>

"It's not like that," she shot back, feeling her cheeks flush for a moment. "I found Anders collapsed on my doorstep, and Mother and I have been taking care of him."

"For three days?"

"Yes, for three days. He was out in the rain, and ended up getting sick."

"The great healer got sick?" the dwarf asked with a smirk.

"He's still human. Besides, you know how hard he pushes himself. I'm surprised he stays on his feet half the time."

"He knows you'll be there to catch him." Alana quirked an eyebrow and stared at her short friend, but he just shrugged. "What? It's true."

"Varric, is there something you're not telling me?" He put a hand on his chest and feigned surprise.

"Why madam, you wound me! If there was anything about Blondie I felt you needed to know, I would tell you right away."

"And if you felt I didn't need to know?" Varric grinned and winked.

"Well now, you're starting to catch on, Hawke." She threw her hands up in frustration, wondering how on earth she'd ever gotten involved in all this. "But seriously, I'm glad Blondie's all right. Darktown's going nuts trying to find him. I'll start letting slip that he's at least not with the Templars, or dead on the Wounded Coast." Varric stood up to leave, and was momentarily surprised when Hawke hugged him.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what? I'm not the one being a nursemaid to the crazy mage."

"For not telling the others. If you do, Aveline would be breaking down my door very soon." The dwarf chuckled, picturing the scene.

"Too true. You have to hand it to our Captain though; she is dedicated to her work. A little too much if you ask me, but I'm only a storyteller." Waving over his shoulder, Varric and Bianca made their exit from the estate, and Alana headed back upstairs. Anders was sitting up in the bed, eyes closed, and she saw the blue wisps of magick surrounding him. He was trying to heal himself, but a moment later, the spell stopped, and he groaned softly.

"Are you all right?" she asked, worry clear in her voice. He opened his eyes and smiled sheepishly.

"Pretty pathetic when I can't even focus enough to speed up the process. Every time I try, it feels like I'm underwater, and it messes up my concentration." She sat down next to him, placing a hand on his forehead.

"This won't go away overnight, you know." He still had a mild fever, but he had been steadily improving.

"I need to get back to Darktown," he argued gently. "People there need me."

"The people need you to get well," she countered. "And don't think that you're going to be able to jump right back into healing as many as you can. The last thing I need is for you to collapse again."

"The last thing **you** need?" he asked, a smile tugging at his mouth.

"Yes, the last-" Alana stopped and stared at him, eyes widening. She felt the blush start at her ears and run straight to her toes, and she looked away. Anders turned her face to him again, but left his hand on her chin.

"You are the reason I go on, Alana Hawke. Of all the mages I have met in Kirkwall, none can even compare to what you have been able to do. If everyone rallied around you, mages would have nothing to fear."

"I'm not a leader," she protested. "I'm just trying to do the right thing."

"I'm not even sure what that is anymore." His hand fell away from her face, and she frowned. "I thought I was really helping our fellow apostates, but then-"

"Anders, we've been over this," she interrupted. "You would never hurt people. Justice is the one who did all that, but when you regained control, you stopped."

"Only because you got through to me. If you hadn't been there-"

"But I was," she reminded, placing her hand on his. "I will always be there for you, to bring you back if need be. You'll learn to control Justice one day."

"I… I don't know if that'll ever be possible. But thank you for believing in me." They smiled at each other, and then Leandra was in the doorway, carrying a tray.

"Lunch is- Oh, am I disturbing you?" Both of them blushed and pulled their hands back, and Leandra sighed. One of them was going to have to confess before long. She left the room, glancing back at her daughter and their "patient". "Knowing Alana, she'll be the one to say something. She just needs a little nudge."

* * *

><p>Two days later, Anders was well enough for both Alana and Leandra to allow him move out of the bed. The young noble still watched him closely, but he did indeed seem fine. "It'll be odd not having him here," Leandra said to her in the hall.<p>

"What do you mean?"

"I've rather gotten used to seeing him for the last week. And I know you'll be sad to see him go-"

"Mother," she whispered, face turning red. "How did you-"

"I was young once too," Leandra quipped. "And you stare at Anders the same way I used to look at your father. Does he know you care so deeply for him?"

"I… I'm not sure. I'd like to think so, but he keeps telling me that I'll only get hurt if I get involved with him."

"And yet, he remains at your side." Alana frowned and thought about that for a moment. For all of Anders' protests about himself, he'd never once suggested that they stop seeing each other. In fact, any time she had a job, he was one of the first people to volunteer to go with her. "Did that clear up anything, dear?"  
>"A little. I still don't know how he truly feels. Every time I want to talk to him about that, I get so nervous."<p>

"You'll find the right words soon enough. Now then, maybe we should let him take a nice, hot bath before he leaves. Maker knows he won't be getting one in Darktown unless it rains again."

"And I want to avoid letting Anders get rained on again." Alana headed for the bath, grabbing fresh towels from the linen closet. She quickly filled the tub, got a fire going to keep the room warm, and then decided to heat the water faster via magick. She heard the door open, and turned from her work. However, her eyes widened when she saw Anders standing there, holding his shirt and cloak in his arms.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "Your mother said I could take a bath if I wanted… Maker knows I need one." Alana nodded and stood up, swallowing the lump in her throat. Her eyes roamed over his chest before she could stop herself, and she shook her head to clear her thoughts.

"It's all right. I was just getting everything ready. Did you need anything else?" He smiled and bit and shrugged.

"Well, I won't say no if you wanted to stay and help," he teased.

"If you really want me to, I will." Now it was Anders' turn to stare, and a smirk formed on her lips. "Or are you all talk, ser mage?"

"That sounded like a challenge." He set his clothes down and folded his arms over his chest, quirking an eyebrow at her.

"Maybe it was," she replied with a shrug. "Take my offer and find out."

"Then I will. I'll be glad for the company, anyway." His hands went to the top of his pants, and Alana turned her back and closed her eyes. This close to temptation, she didn't trust herself to be a lady. When she heard the water splash and him sigh, she turned back around. Anders was sitting in the tub, eyes closed for a moment. "Andraste's knickers, that feels good." Alana giggled, sitting down next to the tub and handing him the sponge and soap.

"So, after this it's back to Darktown?" she inquired.

"You know the answer to that. I can't abandon the refugees."

"I know, and I wouldn't suggest that you should. But… Mother and I will miss having you here." Anders stared at her, seeing her bite her bottom lip for a moment.

"Miss me? You two have been taking care of me for the last week. I'd have thought you couldn't wait to be rid of me."

"Anders, no!" She looked up into his eyes, kneeling now so she could be face-to-face with him. "I never want to be rid of you."

"I know," he said softly. "You said that you care about me."

"I do." He soaped up his hair, ducking under the water for a moment to clean it off. "I don't want you to go, Anders."

"It's not like I'm leaving Kirkwall." He rubbed soap onto the sponge, and then began to scrub his arms, feeling better by the moment.

"I know that," she said, fidgeting slightly. "But having you in the house has been… It's been nice, to have someone else to talk to. Mother has her own life, and Bodhain has his hands full with Sandal. And when my uncle drops by, I don't really have anything to say to him. With you, at least I could talk about things going on in the city, or about magick, or even our friends."

"Who are probably all waiting to kill me," he said wryly.

"I doubt that. And I'll handle Aveline if she comes after you. Varric stopped by the other day, and he said he'd just be telling Darktown that you were safe."

"That dwarf is a lot more caring than he lets on," Anders said with a smile. "I still think he was the one who made sure I wasn't bothered by the Coterie or Carta anymore."

"Probably, though he'll never admit it." The sponge was suddenly handed to her, and Alana looked confused.

"Can you wash my back?" he asked. "I can't reach everywhere." Taking the still-soapy sponge, Alana began scrubbing his back, but paused for a moment when she saw a scar that ran from his right shoulder to under the water on his left side.

"What gave you this?" she asked, tracing it with one finger. He shivered under her touch, but she barely noticed.

"A Templar. On my third escape attempt, the one they sent after me was determined that this would be my last try. After they caught me, drained me of mana, and shackled me, he decided I was being smart when I told him the fastest way back to the Tower. So he hit me. I got back up, and he hit me again. Then I told him that it would take more than a few lousy punches to keep me down. That's when he drew his sword. Next thing I knew, it was two days later, and I was in the infirmary in the Circle. The Templar told them he found me being attacked by bandits, and they were the ones who hurt me. I told the Senior Enchanters what happened, and he was reassigned." Alana sat in silence, horrified that anyone could do that to a powerless mage.

"How many more escape attempts did you make?"

"Four more. It was on the seventh one that I met the Hero of Ferelden. She was a fellow mage, and conscripted me into the Wardens so I wouldn't have to go back to the Circle. She told me I needed to find my own place in the world, like she had."

"You told me once that I reminded you of her."

"You do," he replied, turning slightly. "She was a powerful mage, but still kind to everyone. I guess being an elf, she already felt outcast slightly, and having magick didn't mean as much. I miss her sometimes, but she had someone she needed to return to. I left Ferelden not long after she left the Keep, to do as she had suggested."

"And have you found your place yet?" A moment later, they were face-to-face again, and Anders was smiling.

"It's wherever you are." His hand came up to caress her cheek, and she couldn't stand it any longer. She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him forward, their lips meeting over the rim of the tub. His surprise quickly turned into acceptance, and his arms circled around her. After a few moments, they both pulled back, panting slightly.

"That was… Interesting," she said, trying to get her breathing back to normal. Anders was staring at her, looking like he wanted to tell her to both stay and go.

"Are you sure about-" She silenced him with another kiss, gently biting at his lower lip, and he sucked in a quick breath.

"More than ever. Move over." She gently pushed him back, and he wasn't sure what she was doing, until her robe was thrown almost across the room. Her undergarments joined them a moment later, and then Alana stepped into the tub. Anders swallowed, his whole body shaking. She pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around her waist, a blush coloring her cheeks. "Do you want this?" she asked seriously.

"I…" He'd never wanted anything more in his life. Even freeing the mages was starting to take second place to what she was offering him. Justice was not happy, but Anders ignored the thoughts of leaving. He couldn't abandon her now; not when she was asking him to make good on his feelings for her. "I want you more than anything, Alana Hawke." She smiled and kissed him again.

"Then just be gentle," she cautioned.

* * *

><p>"That was… Amazing."<p>

"Mage sex always is," he said, snickering. She sighed, part of her wishing that this had been his first time, but she wasn't angry. With all the restrictions he'd told her happened at the Circle, finding someone to ease the pain was probably one of the few bright spots. "I'm sorry," he said, seeing her eyes shift. "I didn't mean-"

"I'm not jealous," she told him, slowly trying to sit up. "I have you now, and that's all that matters."

"You don't care that I've had… Experience?" She met his gaze and grinned.

"That's partly what made it so great. I just hope I didn't disappoint you." He gathered her into his arms, pulling her against his chest and stroking her still-wet hair.

"Never. That was worth everything I've been through to get here."

"I'm glad Mother suggested the bath." He laughed, shaking his head.

"Your mother is quite clever. I can see where you get it from." She shrugged and stood, walking over to where she'd thrown her clothes.

"We should get dressed before anyone happens to come in to check on us," she advised. Anders sighed and reached for his pants.

"After this, Darktown will seem very dark indeed." Alana was by his side a moment later, pressing a hand over his heart.

"Then stay here," she offered. "Be with me, so I know you will be safe. I know you have to go to the clinic still, but…"

"You wouldn't be afraid to show you love an apostate?"

"Since I am one myself, why does it matter who I love? But yes, I would tell the whole world my feelings for you if need be." Anders chuckled, kissing her hand.

"Just tell Varric. He'll let the rest of the world know for you." They dissolved into laughter, which reached through the door. Outside, Leandra was walking back down the hall, a smile on her face.

"That's my girl," she said proudly.

* * *

><p>The Hanged Man two nights later found Hawke seated at a table, surrounded by her female friends. The men were seated around Varric, seeing who had the best story for him. Sebastian and Fenris seemed to be tolerating Anders rather well, and he was actually trying not to goad them tonight. <em>'Thank the Maker,'<em> Alana thought to herself. _'I'd rather not have to try and patch him up after getting into a fight with those two.'_

"So Hawke," Isabella said with a wink. "I have it on good authority that you've had a rather hectic week."

"Varric told you, did he?"

"He may have mentioned a few things," the dark-skinned woman said with a shrug. Merrill and Aveline looked first to her, and then at Hawke.

"What have you been up to?" the redhead demanded. "I've never known you to just drop off the map, Hawke."

"Anders too," Merrill brought up. "I heard some rumors in the Alienage that Templars caught him, but he seems fine to me." They all turned to look at the mage, who was laughing at something Varric had said.

"Wait, were you two together?" Alana shrugged, taking another sip from her mug.

"Ask Isabella. She seems well-informed," she told the guard captain.

"Actually, I was just bluffing," the pirate confessed. "I asked that bloody dwarf straight up what was going on, and he wouldn't tell me. Said you asked him not to."

"What are you hiding?"

"Nothing, Aveline!" she replied, putting her hands up. "Nothing that's anyone's business but my own, anyway."

"But Anders was with you," Merrill pressed, voice soft. "I mean, you're the one he goes to when there's trouble, and I heard there was a lot of trouble that night-"

"Merrill, please stop." The warning tone was clear in Alana's voice, and the Dalish mage just nodded. Aveline got up, seemingly disgusted by what she was thinking.

"Well, now that she's gone-"

"Isabella."

"I'm not stupid, Hawke. I know love when I see it. And you have loved that mage for a while now." A blush tinted her cheeks, and Merrill giggled. "There's nothing wrong with acting on your feelings, you know. I do it all the time."

"Hence why you're in the clinic a lot," Alana retorted, rolling her eyes.

"You had him in your house for over a week. No one except that damn Chantry-Prince is that chaste." The duelist nodded at Sebastian, who was shaking his head and trying to explain himself to both Anders and Varric.

"So you think I did… What, exactly? Threw Anders down in a fit of passion and had my way with him?" Isabella smirked and locked eyes with Hawke.

"Did you?"

"Maybe," she replied with a shrug.

"Why would you throw him?" Merrill wondered. "And don't you usually tell him what to do? How is "having your way" any different?" Both humans stared at her, and she blinked. "What? Did I miss something?"

"As usual, Kitten," the pirate said with a sigh. She turned back to Hawke, mischief bright in her eyes. "So, did Justice get involved?"

"Isabella! No! It was just me and An- Oh… You sly bitch."

"Thank you," she replied, giving a little bow. "But now that I got my gossip for the night, I'll leave you be. And don't worry, I won't tell the captain."

"I'd be afraid she'd pike me on the wall," Alana admitted. "She really doesn't approve of Anders."

"She's just jealous because she doesn't have anyone. Once she gets over that, she'll see that you're too good a friend to hate over a man."

"Thanks, Isabella."

"Don't mention it. But, if you're ever in the mood for some "company"…"

"I'll keep it in mind," she replied, standing up. Anders saw her and rose as well, bidding the others good night.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"More than ready." As the two mages left the tavern, Varric chuckled.

"Something amusing?" Fenris asked him, raising an eyebrow.

"It's nothing, Elf. Just a story for another time."

"I'm not sure I like how close that apostate is getting with Lady Hawke," Sebastian brought up. "She's a good woman."

"A woman who can take care of herself," Fenris told him. "She might be a mage, but Hawke has principles. Nothing would make her violate them."

"Besides, Choir-boy, if it gets Blondie out of Darktown more often, I'm happy to see them together," the dwarf stated. "If he's down there too long, he starts getting those weird thoughts of his. Hawke keeps him on the straight and narrow."

"I suppose you're right," the archer agreed. "At least with Hawke, we know she'll always do the right thing."


	2. Soul

I'm going to post an "epilogue" of sorts after this, but the story is pretty much done. Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Soul

Thunder cracked not far in the distance, jolting Alana awake. She blinked a few times, trying to get her bearings. The lightning lit up the cave they were in, casting eerie shadows on the wall. The cave… The rain… The endless running that had made up her life for the past month. Everything had come crashing down with the destruction of the Chantry, including her world. And one by one, her friends had left to pursue their own lives. She didn't blame them, seeing as how they had risked everything to help her in the first place. But after being with them for six years, she'd come to think of them as family, to replace the true family she had slowly lost. "Useless dwelling on it," she said to herself, before she realized she was actually alone in the cave. Well, aside from Niko, who was still sleeping noisily by the remains of the fire. She sat up, trying to see amid the flashes of light. "Anders?" she called out. Nothing. Grumbling, Alana quickly put her boots on, grabbed her staff, and threw her cloak around her shoulders. She peeked out of the cave, feeling the rain lash into her as the wind whipped up. It reminded her of the night Anders had collapsed outside her home… "Anders!" she yelled into the storm, quickly scanning the area.

"Yes?" he asked, making her jump a bit. He was leaning against the mouth of the cave, not bothering to cover himself as the rain soaked into his clothes. Those damn black clothes that she had teased him about looking like he was going to a funeral. How ironic that had been, in part. She noticed that he looked tired, which wasn't surprising. Neither had been sleeping well recently, but when Anders did manage to rest, he often woke up from a nightmare; either screaming or just trying to catch his breath.

"What are you doing out here?" she demanded, one hand on her hip as she leaned on her staff for a moment, calming her racing heart.

"Enjoying the storm." She stared at him in confusion, the last bits of sleep chased from her mind.

"You couldn't enjoy it from inside? Where's it dry?" He didn't answer, just turned his face up to the sky, eyes closed. "Anders, you're really starting to worry me."

"Starting to?" he asked, not changing position. "I'd have thought the destruction of the Chantry would've done it, not me standing in the rain."

"I…" She had no words, and he knew it. They had never really spoken about that day; she hadn't wanted to. So much death, all to try and change what had been going on in Thedas for countless Ages. She had spared his life that day for a number of reasons, not the least bit of which had been that she could not bring herself to raise a weapon to him. He had practically begged her to kill him; to end everything so that those he'd killed could have justice. But where was his? Or hers, for that matter? Didn't they deserve something for all they had tried to do up to that point? Alana remembered what Anders had first said about justice, though he'd been referring more to the Spirit.

'_Since when is Justice happy? Justice is righteous. Justice is hard.'_ Those words had stayed with her, and they seemed to be the excuse for the actions Anders sometimes took. And what he'd said to Orsino after the Chantry was destroyed… _'I removed the chance of compromise, because there is no compromise. There can be no peace.'_ No, there had been no peace for any of them since running from the city following the death of the Knight Commander. Not that Alana had been sad to see Meredith's life end, as she'd brought it on herself with that blasted lyrium…

"I'm sorry," Anders voice broke her out of contemplation, and she looked over at him. He was still leaning against the rocks, but now he was facing her, looking sad and confused. "I'm sorry," he said again, voice so soft she barely heard him over the rain. "You're worried about me, and I'm making light of it. Everyone else left, but you're still here. Still being my light. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Well, your light would like you to come in out of the rain and try to sleep," she told him, reaching out a hand. He took it, and she pulled him back into the cave, grabbing an extra blanket on her way back to her bedroll. "Get out of those clothes and put them by the embers to dry." Anders obeyed, changing into his older pants and shirt, which she much preferred over the black.

"What woke you?" he asked when they were both settled again.

"The thunder. It's different when you're outside, even in a cave. It just sounds more fierce, more dangerous."

"Says the woman who can shoot lightning at people."

"Only those who don't get the hint when I launch a fireball at them," she retorted, putting an arm around his waist. He put a hand over hers, sighing contentedly.

"Alana-"

"We are going to talk about what happened in Kirkwall, Anders," she warned him. "But not tonight."

"Do you regret anything?" he asked after a minute of silence on their part. The thunder cracked louder, the storm getting worse.

"I do have regrets, but none that involve you," she promised. "What about you?"

"I always have regrets… But not about you. Not about us. I'd never be able to do this on my own. I guess I'm still a coward."

"No, you aren't," she argued, trying to turn him over with some gentle tugging. He finally relented, and she saw the sadness in his eyes as he thought of that day. She always knew when he was reliving what had happened: There was a palpable sense of sadness and despair that always twisted her insides and broke her heart. If only there was a way to make everything all right again, or at least convince him it would all be all right. "It took great courage to do what you did."

"I killed people," he said flatly.

"You started a revolution," she retorted. "I'm not saying it was perfect, but it was the only thing you could think of."

"Are you still mad that I lied to you about the potion?" The potion, she'd originally been told, was to separate him from Justice. However, it had been the very thing to cause the Chantry to literally vaporize. Anders had lied about it, to her face, because he'd been afraid she would've wanted to help him set it all up. He'd been very adament that this all fall on him. But she knew that his shoulders weren't broad enough to handle the full weight of what had occurred that day, and little by little it tore him apart.

"I got over that," she told him, hoping he would believe it. Would she have helped him with his plan if she'd known? The Maker knew, but He certainly wasn't about to descend from the heavens and tell her. It wasn't anything that was worth dwelling on now, anyway. "Just get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay." He settled down, and she watched him drift off, his body relaxing slightly. These were the moments she cherished now: When there was no tension in him, and he was at peace. She would fight the rest of her life for these times if need be, against any and all obstacles. And one was still out there, she knew. It was hunting for them, having promised to show them "the true meaning of justice". Alana snaked her arm around Anders again, pulling him as close as she could.

"You will not take him from me, Sebastian," she vowed. "By the flames, if I have to kill you myself, I will not lose Anders any more than I have."

* * *

><p>Alana looked around, confused. She was in the Fade, that much she could tell with the scenery appearing to undulate like she was under the water. Currently, she was in a field of flowers, their colors bleeding into each other to form one continuous rainbow. The sky was swirling with blue-tinged clouds, and she felt uneasy. She normally wasn't completely aware while she dreamt, so this was a little odd, to say the least. "Hello?" she called out. There was no answer except the flowers swaying in a breeze she couldn't feel. "Is anyone out there?" She took a step forward, and her shadow lengthened in front of her. Alana fixed her gaze on it, until she realized that it was waving at her! "Maker!" she shouted, scrambling back. The shadow picked itself off the ground and "faced" her. "Begone demon!" The shadow seemed bothered, and its head shook back and forth, as if trying to deny something. "I said leave me be! I want nothing you offer!" Faster than she could register though, it grabbed for her hand. When it touched her, she saw actual pale fingers curl around her wrist, and the shadow shifted to look like a human child, golden hair loose to her waist. The spirit was wearing a white frock, and her eyes burned the blue of lyrium, like when Justice manifested through Anders.<p>

_"Forgive me," it said, sounding much like a lost little girl. "I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to meet you; to see you."_

_"What are you?" Alana asked, voice soft._

_"A spirit. One that normally keeps hidden. But I have seen you, and heard the anguish in your soul."_

_"What do you know of my soul?" The words were angry, and the spirit pulled back, looking upset._

_"I know you wish to help someone you care about. I know that you are bothered by the fact that you are not a healer."_

_"What of it?"_

_"I can help-"_

_"I told you, I want nothing you offer. I have seen what spirit possession does, and I want no part of that." Alana turned her back to the spirit, but it just floated around her, hair trailing behind it like a cape._

_"I am different than Him. Or at least, I should be. Please, consider it, is all I ask." Alana felt herself being pulled from the Fade, and knew she was waking up._

_"What is your name, spirit?" It smiled, and everything seemed suddenly warmer._

_"I am Hope. Call to me if you change your mind. I will answer."_ Alana sat bolt upright, gasping. Her heart thudded in her chest, and her palms were sweating. Anders was up a moment later, holding her tightly.

"What's wrong? What happened?" he asked, concern clear in his voice. Even Niko padded over, rubbing his head against hers, offering his own support.

"Nothing," she said after a few minutes, her breathing still heavy. "Just a bad dream." She hugged Anders, closing her eyes and trying to get the spirit's words out of her mind. Nothing good could come of her taking the offer. But really, what was the spirit actually offering? She hadn't thought to ask that… No, it was better not to know, that way she wouldn't be tempted. But the words Hope had said… It almost sounded like it knew about Justice and Anders. Could that be true? Alana quickly shook her head, pushing all thoughts out. "We should eat and then go," she said, pulling back. "We still have a while before we reach Ferelden, and Orlais isn't exactly the safest place right now." Rather than risk getting a boat, they'd decided to walk around the Waking Sea, which Alana was beginning to regret. And now they were in the middle of the country that played host to The Divine Herself. She wanted out of here as fast as her legs could carry her, and Anders wasn't arguing the point. They were headed for one of the Circles here, to see how far the rebellion had spread, and find out if any other apostates needed help getting away.

"All right," he agreed, starting to pack up the bedrolls. Alana grabbed dried rations, made sure their water skins were filled with the rain from last night, and put her cloak on. Both mages grabbed their packs and staffs, and Niko carried a bag as well as they stepped into the sunshine. Rain glistened on everything, making the world seem a bit brighter. As they walked, Alana remained deep in thought about her Fade encounter. "What's wrong?" Anders finally asked. She looked over at him, and he seemed sad again.

"Sorry, I'm just still a bit shaken by that dream."

"I thought maybe you were still upset from last night."

"What, about your comment while you were in the rain?" He nodded, and she sighed heavily. "I told you we'd talk about the events in Kirkwall. I just… I really don't know what to say."

"Why didn't you kill me?" He stopped walking, and she turned to face him, eyes wide. Anders was looking everywhere but at her, his shoulders slumped. "I deserve to die for what I did, you know that-"

"You do not!" she shouted, and he looked up, startled by the ferocity in her voice. "Yes, you killed the Grand Cleric. Yes, you also killed whatever people were in the Chantry at the time, some of them completely innocent of this whole affair. You swore that Justice didn't make you do it, and that this was what would force Thedas to change. You accepted the blame completely, and never once claimed you were innocent. You hadn't told me because you were afraid I would want to help, or possibly try and stop you. Everything that happened that day was on your head, and you knew without a doubt that you should pay for what you did." Anders stood there, listening to her rattle off everything he had said and implied that day like he was hearing a judge tell him his crimes before sentencing him. "But I did not kill you, nor did I let anyone else. I told you to fight with us; to protect the mages of the Circle that Meredith wanted to kill for what you did. And you did just that. And then we left Kirkwall, so that no one else would try and take revenge on you." Her voice cracked, and she could feel the tears pressing hotly on her eyes, but she kept going. "I couldn't stand the thought of losing you, Anders. You mean everything to me. I may not agree with what you did, but I know why you did it. I was never in a Circle, never forced to obey a Templar simply because it was the way of things. My parents risked everything to keep Bethany and myself safe from that life. I saw what happened to Karl, and knew that it was the worst thing that could ever be done to a mage. I saw Meredith become more and more tyrannical, and knew she needed to be stopped. And we stopped her, and Thedas has started to change. I wanted you to see all that." She moved to him, forcing his chin up with her fingers, meeting his eyes. "But the real reason? I was the coward. I could never hurt you, Anders, much less kill you. Even if Andraste herself ordered it, I would never be able to raise my hand against you."

"You're not a coward," he whispered, running a hand down her cheek. "I pushed it on you, because I thought you would do what was best. And you did, but not how I had intended. I wanted the release of death, because it's what I convinced myself that I deserved. But… It's more of a justice that I have to live with what I did, and try and make whatever amends I can. And by helping mages across Thedas, and being with you… I can pay my debt. I know you don't understand why, but at least you're still with me. Everyone else is gone: They've paid their debts. So have you, but you still stay."

"You have me until death," she said softly, the tears starting to slip down her cheeks. "And I'm not going without a fight." He kissed her tears away, and they embraced, gaining comfort from each other. "Ready to continue?" Alana asked after a few minutes. She didn't want to end the moment, but they did need to keep moving.

"Ready to move forward," he replied, taking her hand. She looked at their intertwined fingers, and the spirit's words again came back to her.

"Anders, other than Justice, have you ever met a benevolent Fade Spirit?" He thought for a moment, but then shook his head.

"I've heard of them, but never met any. One of the Senior Enchanters at the Ferelden Circle was supposed to have had a connection to a Spirit of Faith. No one has ever seen one of them, but Wynne insisted the Spirit aided her healing magick."

"They can do that?"

"Of course. Some spirits are more connected to certain types of magick, and can bolster any spells of that type if properly summoned. I know Wynne wasn't a blood mage, so maybe she had something similar to my merge with Justice?"

"You mean she had a Faith Spirit in her soul?"

"It's possible," he said with a shrug. "I didn't get a chance to talk to her about it before I left Ferelden. The Hero told me about a few incidents though, and she said the Spirit was a huge help to them when things looked grim." He looked over, a puzzled expression on his face. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious. I know demons are usually the ones looking to possess humans, but I thought that maybe the other spirits might be interested in us too."

"Benevolent or not, I wouldn't take their offer, knowing what I know now. Our emotions can change them too easily. It's not worth the risk." Alana nodded, gripping his hand tighter. She hoped to never have to find out.

* * *

><p>Two days later, they were seated by a waterfall, doing some much-needed laundry. Alana was dressed in a simple shirt and skirt from her days in Lothering, while Anders just had his pants and boots. "Another day or so and we should be near enough to the Circle to stop in," he told her, checking one of his maps while biting into an apple. They'd found an orchard earlier, had helped themselves to a few pieces, and then raced away before they were caught.<p>

"Hopefully they have some supplies we can get," she said, taking stock of their packs. "I might send Niko hunting later. Maybe he'll get a rabbit or something we can dry." The Mabari in question was paddling around the pool, quite content with his surroundings, and Alana smiled.

"You look better that way," Anders said, sitting down next to her.

"What, in these raggedy clothes?" she wondered, looking at the patches she'd had to sew in over the years.

"No, happy," he replied, tapping her nose with one finger.

"I could say the same about you." He shrugged and took another bite of the fruit.

"I guess I deserved that." She stood up, offering him a hand up as well. When he took it, however, she pulled him against the rocks and kissed him. Anders was startled enough to drop the apple, and it bounced into the water. "What was that for?" he asked when they broke apart. Alana had a mischievous grin on her face, hands on his waist.

"Because I love you." He grinned and bent his head to kiss her again, when they heard something strike the rock near them. Both mages looked up, startled, and Alana only had time to shove Anders back down to the ground before another arrow lodged itself in her shoulder. She cursed, grabbing the shaft and breaking it off halfway. She saw the white-and-gold fletching, and immediately knew they were in trouble.

"Alana!" Anders cried out, attempting to stand. She shook her head, a fireball forming in her hand as she stepped in front of him. It was harder to form the spell how she wanted it, which was odd, but she put it out of her mind for the moment.

"Sebastian, show yourself!" she demanded, eyes sweeping the clearing. Niko was standing on the edge of the pool, ears back and snarling at the group of armored people coming towards them. And leading the group was the exiled Prince himself, bow at the ready. He held up a hand, and the Templars stopped walking, but drew their weapons.

"I told you I'd find you," he warned, nocking another arrow and pulling the string back. "Now move, Hawke, and let me finish this."

"There is nothing to finish," she told him, trying to ignore the blood running down her arm. "This is not justice, Sebastian. It's revenge!"

"Then I will have it!" he shouted back, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. A shudder ran through his whole body, and when he looked at her again, there was no compassion left in him. "Elthina did not deserve to die, Hawke. She was a good woman, and that abomination you protect murdered her in cold blood. And then I heard that you even attacked the Knight Commander? Does his hubris know no bounds?"

"She came after us!" Anders shot back, and Alana saw the glow begin to form in his eyes. He slowly stood up, but she remained between him and danger.

"She was trying to restore order, and you killed her too! How many more people need to die before you see what kind of monster he is, Hawke?"

"He's not a monster, Sebastian, regardless of what you or the Chantry thinks. I will only tell you once more: Back down, or we will defend ourselves." He smirked then, eyes narrowing.

"I came prepared," he revealed, loosing the other arrow. It struck her with more force than she thought it could, knocking her back into the wall. She leaned against it, eyes seeing the shaft protrude from her chest as her lungs burned with each breath. The fireball that had been forming suddenly went out, and she realized too late that "Choir-boy" had stepped into the realm of poisons. "Magebane, Hawke. That should take care of you while we deal with the abomination."

"**NO**!" Anders cried out, blue veins opening up on his skin as Justice fully manifested. She collapsed to the ground, watching in horror as the man she loved attacked the Templars without mercy. Their weapons just seemed to bounce off him, and one even melted when she thought it pierced his leg. Niko also threw himself into the fight, biting and clawing as best he could. Fighting to breathe, she tried to summon magick to help them, but it was no use. Any spell she tried fizzled out before she could properly shape it. The edges of the world started getting hazy, and Alana knew things were dire. Without her magick, she was useless, and Justice was going to end up getting Anders killed if she didn't so something quick. Suddenly, she became aware of someone standing over her, and looked up, expecting Sebastian. Instead, she saw Hope. The spirit was looking at her, what appeared to be sadness on her face. Her eyes were still an emotionless void of glowing blue, and the mage shivered a bit.

"Am I dead?" she wheezed out, regretting trying to talk. It just made her chest ache more; her lungs not wishing to inhale.

_'Not yet,'_ Hope said in her mind. _'I am surprised you can see me now. Normally I remain on the fringes of detection. Maybe I got too close?'_ Alana was very confused, and didn't have time to feel that way.

_'Why are you here?'_ Hope touched her uninjured shoulder, smiling slightly.

_'I came to see Him, as I usually do. He still cannot see me.'_

_'Are you talking about Anders, or Justice?'_

_'Justice. He and I were once very close in the Fade. He would observe humans more than me, but would tell me tales of bravery and valor. It intrigued me, and when he went to protect a group of trapped souls, I awaited his return to hear his stories. But he never came back. I searched and searched, and finally found him by chance. I felt an old magick, and watched some demons playing with a young boy. But this boy had powerful friends who were coming to aid him: You and your group. And then I saw that my companion Justice was with you, and so I followed his essence to that big place. I waited for him to see me, but he never did. I saw the body he inhabited travel with you, and I resolved to follow you until Justice knew about me.'_

_'In our world, we would call that love.'_

_'In the Fade, it was just me being myself. I am Hope, not Love. Love is much more powerful than I am, as is Faith. Those spirits are the ones who normally touch humanity or elvenkind, and bond with them. Very rarely do spirits like me do that.'_ Alana coughed, and she tasted the metallic tang of blood. This was not good at all.

_'Hope, I don't mean to rush you, but why are you here? Justice still can't see you, so what's the point of watching him kill Templars?'_ The spirit smiled, focusing her gaze on the wounded mage.

_'I came to help you, actually. Your thoughts called to me, even if you did not say my name directly. You wish to help your friend, and I wish to help mine.'_

_'Hope, if you're even suggesting that we do what Justice and Anders did… I can't. What if my feelings twisted you into some bizarre viewpoint? Aren't you afraid to lose yourself?'_

_'Spirits do not feel, not like mortals do. Emotions are strange to us, except the one we were created to embody. It is possible that I will become little more than tattered remains in your soul, but we must help them.'_ Alana looked over to see Justice and Sebastian fighting, seeming pretty even. Justice almost looked like he was losing his control of the body, though why Anders would- Her… He was probably trying to come back and heal her, but Justice only wanted to destroy the foes in front of him.

_'Hope-'_ The Spirit nodded, kneeling down and placing her hand over the arrow in Alana's chest. She was still smiling, and bowed her head.

_'Together, we will aid them. Together, we will become what we could not alone. Together, we will see this crusade through to the end, or perish trying.'_ Alana placed a hand over the Spirit's, feeling a rush of energy and power the likes of which she'd never experienced before. Her body lifted up on its own, the arrows forced out, and the wounds immediately closing up. Hope settled into her mind, quickly sifting through memories to catch up on what was occurring. Meanwhile, Sebastian was fighting off Justice with all the strength he had. His bow was on the ground, but he'd picked up a sword from one of the fallen Templars, using it against the creature as best he could. But no matter how many time he slashed at it and hit, the abomination kept coming.

"Andraste, accept the soul of your faithful servant," he prayed, not knowing how else to win the fight. Suddenly, the blue glow faded completely, and Anders stood in front of him, looking tired and scared.

"Alana!" he called out, turning around. Sebastian knew he had one chance, and drove the blade home. Anders stiffened, realizing too late that he should've been paying attention to Justice's actions more than his concern for his love's safety. He turned back, eyes widening when he saw the steel sticking out of his side. It had gone in almost to the hilt, and he dropped to his knees, fingers fumbling to try and pull it out. However, a moment later, he doubled over in pain as he felt his mana reserve plummet.

"As I said before, we came prepared," Sebastian explained, standing up slowly. Anders felt like his insides were going to soon become outsides; he felt that ill. Drawing a dagger from his waist, the Prince walked up to him, fire in his eyes. "This is for Elthina. May the Maker show you mercy, Anders. You'll get none from me." The blade descended, and the mage closed his eyes, only hoping that the end would be swift. However, he felt a wind whip past him, and his magick returned full force. Opening his eyes, he saw Sebastian staring at something behind him, horror on his face. "Maker, no." Turning his head slightly, Anders felt his blood run cold. Alana was hovering in the air, wisps of blue surrounding her. She was perfectly healed, and a smile was on her face. Her eyes though, were glowing blue. He stared at her, knowing that she had followed his path, and hating himself for it.

"Maker, no," he breathed, tears welling up in his eyes. However, Justice decided that this was the time to finish their enemy. He took control again, pulling the sword from his flesh and holding it to Sebastian's neck. The Prince didn't even seem to see him.

"All enemies of mages are enemies of Justice!" he shouted, bringing the sword back for a strike.

"Hold, brother," a gentle voice commanded. It was a voice that seemed familiar, and Justice paused, turning slightly to see who was near him. What he saw sent a shock of recognition through him: The woman Anders loved was standing behind him, smiling. But her hair was a pale blonde, like silken sunshine. She wore a white frock that came to her knees, only a shade or two lighter than her skin, and her smile was so wide that it warmed every part of him. Memories of his Fade life came back to him, and he welcomed them like he'd discovered a great treasure.

"I know you," he said softly, the veins not glowing as much now.

"I am glad," she replied, taking his hand. "I have searched for you for quite a while. At least, that is what this girl tells me."

"I have been on a crusade with this one, to free all mages from the injustices they face under the Chantry."

"Then you shall have help in your quest, Justice. I would rather experience this task with you, then hear about it later on."

"Your company is appreciated, as always, Hope."

"The humans should rest," she said as he nodded.

"Agreed. There will be time yet to finish their enemy." The Spirits retreated, and Alana shook her head. Anders was lying in her lap, blood gushing from a wound in his side. Her eyes wide, she immediately put both hands over it and called on her magick. It flowed faster than she remembered, quickly sealing the wound, though the flesh was pink when she removed her hands. She'd have to work on that a bit. Anders stirred, coughed once, and held his side with a groan. His own magick quickly set about fixing any internal damage she couldn't detect yet. When he was finished, he slumped against her, and it took her a moment to realize he was crying.

"Anders… Anders, what's wrong?" she asked, wrapping her arms around him.

"What did you do?" His voice was so soft that she had to bend her head to hear him. "Why did you do it?"

"I needed to," she told him. "I know it wasn't the best choice-"

"It shouldn't have been a choice at all!" His head flew up as his hands grabbed her arms, but he looked more sad than angry. "Now you're just like me…"

"An Abomination," Sebastian said, staring at the two of them. Alana had forgotten he was still there, and hugged Anders to her protectively. Suddenly, she heard a growl, and Niko padded over, placing himself between his mistress and her former friend.

"I should kill the two of you right here."

"You're welcome to try," she challenged, energy crackling around her as she channeled the lightning. "I don't need a spirit's help to beat you."

"Don't," Anders warned, trying to sit up. "Don't protect me."

"I've been doing it for this long. I'm not going to stop now." She looked at Sebastian, who seemed to be in shock. Of the group he'd brought, he was the only one to survive, and a smirk curled her lip for a moment. "Get out of here, Your Highness. Go back to Starkhaven and take care of your people. You tried and failed to avenge Elthina. Let it be a sign that you're not cut out for this."

"You cannot watch him forever!" He was on his feet now, and Niko lunged at him, then pulled back with a snarl.

"Good thing I have help. Now go, before I lose what little patience I have for you, Sebastian. And if you ever think of coming after us again, it will be the last thing you ever do. That is a promise." Her eyes narrowed, and Sebastian wisely decided to leave while he could. When he was out of sight, Alana let the lightning fizzle, and then turned to the mage still in her arms. "I'm sorry, Anders. I know you don't approve of what I did, but it was the only way to end this." He nodded against her, sighing heavily.

"That was why the questions about other Spirits. It came to you in the Fade."

"Yes. She said she knew Justice, and wanted to help him."

"She?" Alana shrugged and sighed, helping him sit up.

"The Spirit looks like a little girl. Her name is Hope." He stared wide-eyed at her.

"Hope? Those are some of the shyest Spirits. How did you-"

"I told you, she knew Justice."

"I think… I think we need to have a long talk about all this," he told her.

"Agreed. Let's get our things and get somewhere safe, though. Niko, come help!" The Mabari barked as the two humans shakily got to their feet, eager to leave this place.

* * *

><p>They set up camp later that night, and Alana felt a pang of regret hit her. Anders hadn't said a word to her since the fight, but the sadness and despair he was feeling was evident. He wouldn't look at her, and even allowed Niko to lick his hand, to which he'd just shook his head and patted the Mabari. She ate her rations quickly, still feeling tired from the bonding process, or whatever it was actually called. Hope had kept her mind occupied, showing her visions of the Fade that were breathtaking, and Alana remembered conversations with other Spirits as if she had been the one to have them. But her own sorrow bothered the usually jubilant Spirit, and there was a longing to do more for her. "How long have you known this Spirit?" Anders finally asked, startling her. He was across the fire from her, and his face was cast partially in shadow. She shivered for a moment, staring at him<p>

"She came to me the other day, but apparently she's been watching us since we rescued Feynriel from Torpor." She hoped the boy was doing all right in Tevinter, and that the magisters there didn't twist his views regarding magick's power over people.

"You said she knew Justice? I never heard him mention other Spirits by name, but… I've also not seen him this settled in a long time."

"Settled?"

"Content, I guess. Usually my inaction bothers him, and I need to do something to calm him, or else he could just take over the first time I let my guard down. It's why I kept writing my manifesto."

"Anders… You never told me how hard it was becoming to control him. Why didn't you trust me?"

"I did!" he assured her, standing up now walking over to her. "I just… I didn't want to burden you further." He was next to her now, but didn't touch her as he sat. "You already had everyone else coming to you with problems, me included. I felt so selfish for wanting to explain everything: How hard it was getting to be around Templars, how even being near Fenris and Aveline was starting to take its toll. And Merrill, Maker preserve us, I just couldn't deal with her naïve views any more. Only you and Varric ever tried to cheer me up, to make me feel like a person instead of just a mage. And even then, I didn't want to weigh you down. You were our Champion, and the whole city needed you."

"What about my needs?" she asked, taking his hand. He looked up, confusion in his eyes. "Yes, I was Champion of Kirkwall, for all the good it did me. I never wanted that stupid title, though. Aveline wanted to be Captain, and I supported her. Fenris needed to be free, and I agreed. Isabella left with the relic, and as much as I expected that, it still hurt to lose her. Merrill had to be shown the error she'd made, but it broke my heart to see her lose everything. In a way, she and I are similar. We both lost our families, some of them to blood magick. And you… You wanted to free the mages, and I wanted so much to help you. Even after you drew the line, I knew I would stand with you; with our people. But I still felt that I stood all alone. That no one really cared what I wanted." She felt the tears press at her eyes, and turned her head away. But his hand came up, gently turning her chin back until she was staring into his eyes. Those warm, brown eyes that chased away all her misgivings, and confirmed that this man loved her.

"I care," he whispered. "I just… I didn't do a great job of showing it, did I? I guess I took it for granted that you would always be there, to guide me through everything." His hand caressed her cheek now, and she closed her eyes, enjoying his touch. "But when you needed someone, none of us saw it. I should have, and I'm sorry. Nothing in this world is more important to me than you. I guess I was still afraid to love… To give myself to someone unconditionally. Forgive me?" She opened her eyes, her fingers brushing down his face, and then she leaned in and kissed him.

"I was never mad," she told him as he pulled her closer, holding her tightly. "I understood that you had something you felt needed to be done, and your cause became mine. It still is, even after today."

"You're going to have to be careful from now on, Alana," he warned. "Any emotion can overwhelm them, and anger comes to humans very easily."

"I know. Hope knew the risks of what she was doing, but she wanted to help Justice. I'm not sure if she understands the concept, but she loves him. I can tell by the way she remembers him, and her feelings when he would talk about helping people. If I somehow changed that, turned her into something cruel or destructive, I'd never forgive myself." She suddenly looked up, realization dawning on her. "That's why-"

"Why I hate myself?" he finished. "Yes. I took something so noble, so pure, and twisted it with hate I didn't even realize I had. By the time I figured it out, it was too late. Vengeance is as much me as it is Justice. Neither of us were strong enough to overcome my feelings, but he is the one suffering for it."

"You both are," she argued gently. "You are more conscious of the change, and were hurt more by it because you know it's not what he was. But Hope and I… We will change that. She will help Justice, and I will be there for you."

"I just wish it hadn't come to this."

"It's not the perfect solution, but we'll make it work. Together." She hugged him, burying her face in his chest and listening to his heartbeat. Anders nodded, kissing the top of her head.

"Together. I won't let you lose yourself like I did."

"And I will make sure you reclaim yourself. A piece at a time if need be."

"Justice for everyone. Even us." They watched the fire crackle, sending tiny embers into the air, and Alana felt safe and secure. Anders looked down at her, a smile on his face. "Thank you, Alana. Without you, I would be lost." She kissed him, feeling a stir in the back of her mind.

_'Thank you, Hope. Without you, we would both be lost.'_


	3. New Beginnings

Chapter 3: New Beginnings

"…You still hear the whispered tales every so often," Varric Tethras told his small audience. "From Orlais, to Ferelden, and even the Anderfels, those two have been sighted. Sometimes they're just a pair of apostates, trying to outrun the Chantry's hunters. Other times, they're a couple of Fade creatures that protect other mages and minorities with powers that rival anything Thedas has ever seen. But always, they're together, just like they always knew they would be." He sat back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap and looking at his guests.

"That was very interesting," the elf said, pushing black hair even further behind her ears. Her blue eyes held a spark of recognition with a few things that Varric had said, and he observed her more closely. The gray cloak she wore covered her armor almost completely, but it was impossible to mistake the staff she carried on her back. Her companion, by contrast, didn't cover up his silver armor, and seal of the Grey Wardens was rather visible.

"But is it true?" the human asked, smirking a bit. His brown eyes were playful, but Varric wasn't about to let himself be dismissed.

"You came to me, Warden," he reminded the man. "You asked me to tell you the story of the Champion as I knew it, and I did. Now you accuse me of lying?"

"Not lying. Just… Embellishing."

"I'm a storyteller by profession," the dwarf pointed out, leaning forward. "There's bound to be some embellishment in there. It's not like your Order doesn't its own heroes and legends, you know. How many of those stories are completely true?"

"At least one," he replied, running a hand through his blonde hair and grinning.

"Alistair, please," the elf admonished lightly, placing a hand on his arm.

"Oh, all right. I'm sorry I doubted you, ser Dwarf."

"It's all right," Varric replied, with a smile to the woman. "But let me ask you something: Why did you want to hear about the Champion? Because if you'd just asked the Chantry, their Seekers could've told you everything I just did."

"I avoid prolonged exposure to the Chantry. You understand," she tapped her staff, and Varric nodded. "As for the Champion? I was curious about a few things, and you've satisfied that."

"Call me crazy, but why in Andraste's name would you be afraid of the Chantry? The Wardens are legends on the battlefield, and I doubt any Templars could stand up to you. Or your bodyguard."

"Bodyguard?" The man seemed a bit confused, but the woman chuckled.

"I'd say that defines what you do rather well, wouldn't you agree, love?"

"I **guess**. It just makes me seem... I dunno, less important?" She bent and kissed

him quickly, to which he blushed, and Varric whistled softly.

"You're important to me, and that's all that matters," she said, standing up and adjusting her cloak.

"So we're going?" Alistair asked as he stood as well.

"Yes. We have some friends to locate." As they turned, Varric stood as well.

"Madam, if you don't mind me asking, what is your name? I never caught it."

"Do you want my name, or my title?" The Dwarf's eyebrow went up.

"Both." She smiled at him, bowing slightly.

"I am Talia Surana, the Hero of Ferelden, and Former Commander of the Grey of Vigil's Keep. It has been an honor meeting you, Varric Tethras." His eyes widened, and Varric shifted his gaze to the human.

"Then you're Alistair Theran? The bastard son of King Maric?"

"Oh, I'm a bastard all right," he replied with a grin. Talia nudged him in the ribs with her elbow, and he laughed. "But yes, my father was once King of Ferelden."

"And you're a Grey Warden? The two of you just… Travel around collecting local gossip? Doesn't seem like something heroes would do."

"We're not acting on behalf of the Wardens," Talia explained. "I just want to find my friend; to help him. But if he's with the Champion of Kirkwall, I doubt he needs much help."

"Still, it's another adventure," Alistair said with a shrug.

"Send my regards to Hawke and Blondie if you see them, would you?"

"I will, Varric. I promise." Then she and Alistair were leaving the Hanged Man, and Talia pulled the hood of her cloak up on instinct.

"So, where to now, my Lady?"

"Wherever we hear about the next sighting. It's going to take a while to find them, but we can do some good along the way."

"Never a dull moment?" She smiled, taking his hand.

"Not in this lifetime." The two Wardens set out, their mission still ahead.


End file.
